Friday, 17 February 2012

Twit Shit

This is disgustingly self-indulgent, so if you're easily sickened or just can't be arsed with babyish whingeing, go away now.

I've had a bit of an epiphany: I take Twitter far too seriously.

This is probably something that occurs to most regular twittererers - am I doing this a bit too much? Is it becoming a little bit too significant in my life? Am I a mouthy gittish twat? Well okay, maybe you don't ALL think like that, but I have an embarrassingly addictive personality and I think a lot of you do too. Go on, admit it - it's the first step to recovery.

Anyway, my Road to Damascus moment came when I was unfollowed by someone I love following - a funny, creative, talented, adored bastard shitblizzard motherfucker who has achieved a great deal in life and whose tweets are things of beauty. When he followed me I felt like my own inane, fatuous, insulting rantings on Twitter had attained a sort of kudos - I felt validated. And when he got fucked off with my pathetically transparent attempts at getting him to recommend me to his thousands of followers and unfollowed me, for at least an hour I felt like I'd had the rug pulled out from under me.

How fucking pathetic is that?

It's even more pathetic than this. I know - hardly seems possible

So, I'm going to take a step back. In retrospect, I've been tweeting far too much for someone who has a full time job and is married with two young kids. I'm going to change the way I "do" Twitter. Rather than follow people in the childish hope they'll follow me, or because they already do follow me and I worry they'll desert me if I don't, I'm going to follow only those who entertain, amuse, inform or enrich me. Oh, and people I know personally and who would be all "hey, why you no follow me no more" if I do what I should and unfollow the boring, middle-aged fucking cunts).

Jog on, you stagey bastard
 All of this is apropos of absolutely fuck all EXCEPT to say I'm not playing the game any more. I have been following people because they've been following me, even though it turns out that these people are so boring they could cause a hermetic monk to beat themselves to death with their own cocks. From now on, there are rules, and I think they should be adopted by anyone who doesn't want Twatbox to take over their lives.

Rule 1: Nah poofters.

No, wait, sorry, that's Monty Python.

Rule 1: Anyone who quotes Monty Python at me gets unfollowed.

Rule 2: Anyone who tweets about football more than 8.65% of the time gets unfollowed. I have a sophisticated algorithm that, when I'm not using it to predict movements in commodity stock prices or the size of the penis growing from Simon Cowell's forehead, is put to work on twitter to identify transgressors.

Rule 3: I will not follow anyone - ever - who asks for a follow back or who in any other way is, or can be suspected of being, a subscriber to the arse-climbing fucknugget collective variously known as Team Follow Back, TeamFB, FollowBackWankbags or Ultimate Cult of the Deep One Cthulhu and his Pisspoor Collective of Bieber-Loving Bastards Who Shall Burn In Eternity For Their Crimes Against Humanity.

Rule 4: I won't follow you if a large majority of your tweets consist of insulting minor celebrities by calling them a cunt, or in some other way demeaning or belittling their careers, when they have achieved more in the last 13.5 seconds than you and your hideous offspring will achieve in ten thousand generations (unless I agree that they are cunts in which case carry on).

Rule 5: I won't follow racists and that.

Rule 6: I won't follow Ken Livingstone.

Rule 7: I won't follow anyone whose entire raison d'etre is to demean, belittle, insult or threaten anyone else who happens to share a different political ideology to themselves. Grow the fuck up and look around you. You tit.

Rule 8: Nah poofters. Oh, shit, sorry, Python again. Bugger, that means I have to unfollow myself. Oh well, no great loss.

Rule 9: if you follow me at all, you're probably an idiot so it's only fair that I reserve the right to unfollow you at any time. As such, why not save yourself the bother and not follow me in the first place. I'm a bit of a cunt, truth be told.

That's it. Let us move forward in a spirit of collaboration and mutual amusement, and if you don't agree with any of the above, you can fuck the fucking fuck off you fuck.

Peace and love xxx

Your Nurk.

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