|Where did it all go wrong?|
Now that the Ryan Giggs injunction is out of the way, it's time for Twitter to turn its collective attention to other holders of injunctions preventing details of their private lives being published or discussed in public. In the interests of justice, your fearless correspondent has decided to reveal the identities of several individuals and companies currently misusing the legal system to hide their disgraceful activities. I ask nothing in return other than your undying admiration and love, and any spare change you might have lying about the place.
1) Harry Garry, professional shagger and occasional footballer. Has been having an adulterous affair with erstwhile Sunday Sport model Trixie Wibblytits. Injunction granted by Lord Justice Flugelhorn prevents any discussion of Garry's extramarital activities or of the fact that he has a tiny, tiny penis.
2) Sir Bob Banker - former Chief Executive of the Bank of Wank, took out a so-called super-injunction preventing his being referred to as a "useless cunt" and any publication or discussion of his extramarital affair with a member of staff, the dirty, dirty boy. The injunction granted by Mr Justice Bassoon prevented any mention of the existence of the injunction, any acknowledgement of the existence of the word "injunction"and any mention of the word "shameless Scotch prick" by anyone to anyone. Also prevented any discussion of the fact that Sir Bob had personally and directly overseen the virtual collapse of the bank, leading to thousands of "little people" losing their jobs, an absolutely obscene amount of money being spunked up its ungrateful corporate flue in the form of a government bail out and, as an indirect result, the advent of those fucking Halifax adverts.
|This poor woman didn't deserve to end up doing that god-awful "ISA ISA Baby" ad. She's a trained actor, for God's sake.|
3) Travestyra PLC - enormous global corporation engaged in digging stuff up, watering it down and flogging it on to investment banks and sovereign funds at a ridiculous mark up. The company in 2003 loaded a great big supertanker with ebola virus, copies of The X Factor Winners' album, hundreds of gallons of battery acid and 10,000 tonnes of rancid beef. It sailed it to a poor African country and dumped the lot in a reservoir next to an orphanage and kitten sanctuary. Emails unearthed in a subsequent investigation revealed that the company had done this "for shits and giggles". The company sought an injunction to prevent anyone anywhere ever publishing or discussing its actions in any form, including via the media of dance, mime, abstract sculpture or during a game of Pictionary. Lord Justice Totaltwat granted the injunction but MP Farrelly Brothers tabled a question in parliament detailing what a complete set of bastards these people really are, and the injunction was lifted. Travestyra was subsequently fined 0.000001% of the Finance Director's biscuit budget.
4) Gideon Shouty, celebrity chef and creator of cuntish cuisine. Shouty built his reputation around being an insufferably rude, intolerant, foul-mouthed, sexist prick, and made a fortune by building a business empire around his ability to make people cry. Took out an injunction to prevent publication of details involving his being insufferably rude, intolerant, foul mouthed and sexist to a member of staff and making her cry. Mrs Justice Fannybatter granted the injunction because she thought he was a bit dishy and, having heard that he wasn't terribly good at keeping his bratwurst in his lederhosen, was hoping for a shag.
5) Mr D'Arcy Buggery - actor, not terribly well known but has been in that thing with the people in the house. You know, the one with the war. And the boat. And that posh bird who was in that other thing. Buggery sought and won an injunction to prevent any publication of some rather unpleasant details involving his having a prostitute insert things into his bottom. Mr Justice Fang granted the injunction out of sympathy as he too enjoys being pleasured by brass tarts with great big plastic strap on cocks. They're all at it, apparently.
These are all the details I am able to divulge, at this time. There are other far more stringent injunctions in force - so-called Mega-Fuckoff-Hyper-Bastard-Fucking-Hell-You're-Joking-Injunctions, but to report on these would leave me vulnerable to state-sanctioned assassination (Case in point: Bernard Matthews, just before he mysteriously and suddenly died at the young age of 80, was about to reveal details of a serving member of the House of Lords and ex-Prime Minister who had for a number of years been borrowing prize Norfolk Bronze turkeys and returning them in a state of some disrepair).
|Sort of like this but up the other end|