Spirits Blamed for Mysterious Wet Patches

"Marie Williams says she feels free of the spirits that have plagued her home."

Well, that's good news, isn't it? No one wants their home plagued by spirits, do they? So if you were plagued by spirits, but now you're not plagued by spirits any more, on balance, you'd probably be pleased to be free of any spirits which might have been knocking about the place, you know, being all plaguey and that. (And, it seems, leaving mysterious wet patches all over the place. As they do.)

By way of background, Marie Williams is a fat credulous northern bogdonkey largish Sunderland lady who, according to an article in that esteemed newspaper the Sunderland Echo has been plagued by spirits for quite some time. The unkind among my small but enormously stylish readership might suggest at this point that she had been plagued by spirits of another, more earthly, sort but that wouldn't be very nice, would it?

So, there she is, all plagued by spirits. Until, that is, Derek Acorah turned up.

You may know Derek as the orange-skinned "medium" from that perenial favourite of the terminally shitwitted, "Most Haunted". Or, you may know him, as I do, as a lying, fraudulent, semi-literate, manipulative, greedy sack of shit who should be put away for a ten-stretch for obtaining money under false pretenses.

Derek, it seems, somehow heard about Marie's plaguing problems, and out of the goodness of his heart, he offered to perform an exorcism on the house. This he did by sprinkling salt across a doorway and somehow sealing up an imaginary portal to "the other side" which had allegedly manifested itself in Marie's front room.

There are so many things wrong with this picture that I don't even know where to start

Now, look. Quite obviously, there were no spirits, plaguish or otherwise. The woman is an idiot, and should be gently but firmly told that either she shuts the fuck up and stops complaining, or the horrid people from the Social Services will be calling round. Again.

And, also quite obviously, Acorah is a Ronsealed turd in a hideous jumper, who shouldn't be allowed out of a secure unit, let alone given money - oh, and I am very sure that he was given money - to sprinkle condiments on people's floors and have his picture taken in nasty living rooms showing off his ghost kung fu moves or whatever the fuck he thinks he's doing in that photo.

One quote from the Echo article emphasises quite how irredeemably thick Marie Williams is:

"The people who have helped us from the beginning – Sean Roper, Mike Halliwell and Steve Taylor – have been fantastic and have never asked for a penny."

Those three, by the way, all claim to be psychic, or clairvoyant, or a spirit guide, or "gifted" - or, as we say in the real world, liars. And they can't have been that fantastic, can they? Otherwise there'd have been no opportunity for Derek Fucknugget Acorah to get involved, would there?

You can read the Echo article here: http://goo.gl/CYodp. Do feel free to tweet @derek_acorah to tell him what a massive human tampon he is (I'd do it myself, but he's blocked me).