Modern Nursery Rhymes

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 

to get the poor doggie a bone. 

When she got there the cupboard was bare 

as she’d spunked her entire pension on the bingo.

I've bleedin' pissed meself

Oh,the Grand Old Duke of York, 

he had 10,000 men, 

but half of them were laid off in the Defence Review 

and the rest had to buy their own boots.

Twat.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 

Stupid fat fucker was pissed off his tits 

but he still got 5 grand from Claims R Us.

These grapes are fried in cheese

Mary had a little lamb, 

its fleece was white as snow. 

The EU adopted a policy of positive discrimination and Mary lost her subsidy due to perceived racism.

Whatchew mean I iz adopted? 

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, 

she had so many children she didn’t know what to do. 

Luckily she got 36k a year in benefits 

so they had Sky+, and XBox 

and when they ran out of money 

they burgled their neighbours' shoes.

Fuck off, yeah? I like well know my rights an' shit.

What are little boys made of? 

Tartrazine and sodium benzoate and polydimethylsiloxane –

that’s what little boys are made of.

Do you want your kid to turn out like this? WELL DO YOU?

Hey, here's an idea, kids: why not add your own modern twists on classic nursery rhymes in the comments. If I like them, I'll steal them and pass them off as my own. Can't say fairer than that!!


Disclaimer: If you've already seen these on Twitter - tough shit.