If it is less than 3 feet tall at the shoulder, it is not a dog.
If it can comfortably lie in your lap, it is not a dog.
If it is called Pixie, Snookums, FrouFrou or Snowdrop, it is not a dog.
If it cannot carry a branch (not a twig) which is at least twice as long as itself, it is not a dog.
If it needs a coat in winter, it is not a dog.
If it might ever require a trip to the hairdressers, it is not a dog.
If it couldn't scare off a burglar, it is not a dog.
This:
is a dog.
As is this:
This is not a dog:
It is a hairy rat.
Generally, if it isn't big enough to eat you if it wanted to, and it doesn't look thicker than a plank (and act twice as thick as it looks), it's not a dog. Bear in mind, looking "stupid" is not the same as looking "thick".
Finally, please get your dog from a rescue centre, not a breeder. If you insist on having a pedigree pet, get a fucking koi carp. And then fuck off.
I believe that it should be illegal to own a dog if you live in London and can't prove that you spend at least one weekend per month herding sheep. Up a mountain. In Mongolia. And if you let it crap outside my house again, I'm having it for a rug.
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