Pay Attention At The Back

Settle down, children. Settle down. Come on, now, settle down. Children!

SETTLE DOWN RIGHT NOW YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!

Thank you.

Wayne, put that away. Yes, I'm sure Shaznay wants to see it, but that's why Shaznay already has two children of her own.

Now, today's lesson is on "Hypocrisy". Who can spell "Hypocrisy"? Anyone? No? Oh well, I suppose it was a vain hope. Does anyone know what "Hypocrisy" means?

No, Spatula, it is not the name of a ganster rapper.

I'll tell you. Hypocrisy is when someone says they think or believe one thing, but then does something diametrically opposed to that thing. "Diametrically", Rambo, you horrible little oik, means on the opposite side. Yes, like United and City, if you must.

Now, who can give me an example of hypocrisy? Anyone? Anyone at all? Well yes, I suppose Ryan Giggs saying he's a family man then "sticking his cock up some mingers hole", as you so delicately put it, Violencia, is one example. Well done. Anyone else? No, Carling, it's not like when Chavnika said she'd let you touch her vajayjay if you gave her 10 Bensons but then wouldn't let you touch it cos you could only get Mayfair. See me after class, both of you.

Well, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, not so very long ago, the country was ruled by a wise old king called Tony. Under King Tony, everything was lovely. The sun shone, the birds sang, and everyone was able to get cheap credit to buy things they didn't need. This was because Tony's friend Gordon, who was responsible for managing the economy - "economy", Fistula, it means the country's money - thought it would be a lovely idea to borrow lots and lots of other peoples' money, even though the country already had lots of money of its own. Gordon thought this would be a good idea because he wanted the economy to look as healthy as it possibly could so that he would look like a very clever man and eventually he would get Tony's job. So he borrowed and borrowed, and encouraged everyone else to borrow and borrow, so that they would feel like they were very rich and later they would all thank Gordon for looking after them so well. And because everyone felt so rich, and because the people who ran the banks thought they were on a never ending streak of fortune, people borrowed more and more and more, often borrowing more than the entire value of their house, and no one ever thought their good luck would come to an end.

Unfortunately, Gordon was a psychotic lunatic - yes, Kebabron, that means "nutter" -  and the banks were all run by people who were even greedier and even more stupid than the general population. So of course the winning streak did come to and end, and suddenly all that money wasn't there anymore. No, Pritstik, we don't know where it went. No one does. But it went somewhere, and the country was poor. Worse, we owed lots and lots of money - all that money we'd been borrowing - to lots of nasty people in foreign countries, and they all wanted their money back.

Now, for a long time the Labour Party had survived due to the fact that the majority of people in this country are very, very stupid - yes, Polycysta, that does include you, you can't even count to five without pissing yourself - and enough of them were persuaded to vote for Tony and his friends in return for lots of free money. When the money ran out, a small but significant minority of these morons realised they had been duped, and when it came time for an election - "election", Bendybus, you filthy minded squirt - Gordon lost and a man called David took over.

It very quickly became clear to David that Gordon and his gang had left us all in a dreadful mess and that if something wasn't done soon, we'd all end up being owned by the Chinese. So David and his friends set about trying to reduce the amount of money the government was spending, so that they might be able to pay back the money owed to the nasty foreigners more quickly and we wouldn't have to learn Mandarin. This seemed like a good idea to everyone who works in the private sector - that's all the companies that make all the money to give to the government so it can pay for the public sector - that's bin men and nurses and firemen and diversity coordinators and social workers - yes, Shiznit, including the one who comes round to see if your mum's injecting Mr Sheen again. After all, people in the private sector were having to make sacrifices  - prices of food and petrol and everything else were going up faster and faster, and any money they'd saved for retirement wasn't going to be worth anything, so they'd have to tighten their belts and make do. They thought it seemed only fair that the public sector workers - whose salaries and benefits had, for the first time, overtaken those in the private sector - should do their bit too.

Now, as you can imagine, this didn't go down at all well. Us public sector workers have got used to above inflation pay rises and final salary pension schemes, so why should we have to take a hit now just because there's no money left? And that's why, children, on 30th June the school will be closed and I and all the other teachers will be having a well-earned day off. Yes, it's term time, yes, it will mean you miss school even though we tell parents it's essential you are here every day, and yes, we've always bleated on about how we don't do the job for the money, but for the satisfaction of educating the next generation. Well yes, Yobetta, I know we don't do a very good job of it, but it sounds good at dinner parties. So today's lesson is "Look after Number One, and if you don't get what you want, throw your toys on the floor and walk out".

And that, children, is hyprocrisy. Any questions?

No, Gobshyte, you can't feel my tits.