Britain's Got Coalition and the Nick Clegg Connection

I have been sent an explosive email making serious allegations against a high-profile production company which relies heavily on audience participation to make money, but which (according to these allegations) has been systematically fixing the system for its own gain. I'll let the email speak for itself. None of what follows has been verified as true:

For reasons which will become obvious, I can't reveal my full identity. But let me just say that, I am a Conservative MP with many years experience in shagging my secretary. My work involves close liasion with David Cameron's TORYCO company and, as a result, I have seen what goes on from the inside and this has left me increasingly uncomfortable about the integrity of Britain's Got Coalition and the workings of TORYCO.

It's long been known that there is a quite a degree of "fixing" in BGC but press reports on "fixing" are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to TORYCO's manipulation of the electorate and hopefully, in this blog post, I can shine some light on the smoke and mirrors trickery of TORYCO.

Take Election 2010 for example. Scouts working for TORYCO first saw Nick Clegg (the 12 year old plonker) some two years ago when he was just 10 and was appearing in a farce called No Government Please, We're Liberal Democrats.

Fresh-faced, young, full of hope. Poor bastard...

Following that, Nick was privately auditioned by TORYCO scouts on several occasions and, as is usual practice on BGC, he was "invited" to audition, as a "preferred" candidate, for the part of Patsy in the Conservative's new production, The Importance of Being Arseholes. At the same time, Nick and his parents (Paddy and Vincent) were "required" to enter into a contract with TORYCO. Like all TORYCO contracts, it is heavily weighted in favour of the Conservatives. David effectively signed Nick for life and he's got little or no chance of ever getting out of it...unless David decides to terminate. As one senior Tory MP said to me recently. "These people are mugs. They'll sign away their own mother just to get into government. It's a fucking turkey-shoot and then we own their arses!"

It's no big secret that David had been looking for an idiot who could be used to take all the shit for TORYCO's bad decisions. A development package, which included professional whinging, excuse-making and U-turn tuition was arranged for Nick.

Until now Nick had been encouraged to "boy-up" and it was planned to present him as an everyday Tory-boy. But with his girliness still showing through, the image just wasn't believable. So a decision was taken to encourage and allow Nick to "release" and enhance his uselessness . Disgustingly, TORYCO planned to fuck him over. They were well aware of course, that if they fucked over a young girl all hell would let loose. But with Nick, as one MP put it, "no one has ever seen a Lib Dem get arse fucked before, it'll be a novelty." As for the core Tory voter market, it was accepted they wouldn't care if Nick appeared useless or not...most probably don't know what Lib Dem is anyway...

Nick Clegg today - look at him. Look at the EYES. 

The email continues, providing further details which point to a massive conspiracy to manipulate the British public into believing that Nick Clegg is something he is not. If true,  TORYCO has some serious questions to answer. Not that they will, of course - they'll just tell everyone to fuck off, as usual.