Giant Cloud of Noxious Ass

A volcano going off on one

Reports are coming in of chaotic scenes in the country's more credulous and idiotic towns, following the release of a huge cloud of ass from Dåǽïlÿmặîl, an enormous fountain of hot shit which caused widespread problems for tourists last summer by convincing them that if they went abroad they'd catch superAIDS and their houses would be overrun by rabid Eastern European squatters while they were away.

The toxic ass cloud was released over the weekend when a mountain in the country of Iceland went bang, causing journalists to immediately re-file the same copy they spunked out of their gaping shit-chasms a year ago, about how anyone getting on a plane was as good as committing suicide and how it was all the fault of gypsies and brown people.

Meanwhile, in the other Iceland - the purveyor of rock hard chunks of mechanically-recovered animal by-products - hordes of fat, greasy fuckwits, convinced that they were witnessing the start of "that Rupture thing" they'd heard about, fought pitched battles to get at the last few remaining multipacks of battered chicken-flavoured lumps and mini hamlike-and-cheese-motivated chicken-textured breaded kievballs.

Yum yum yum.

One of the looters, 14 year-old single-mother-of-8 Spazmodia Clunt, said "I dint read it cos I carnt read of nuffink but my mate Chlamydia said she erd someone dahn the Bingo oo's cousin done a exam in reading and she said it was the end of the world so I fort well I ain't dyin ungry so I came darn ere to load up on bacon-coloured shitsticks."

Meanwhile, a large cloud of ash pumped out by the Grímsvötn volcano was heading towards the UK, where it was predicted to have absolutely no detrimental impact whatsoever on anything or anyone. The volcano, in a statement released via its lawyers, said that it was dismayed that its "private eruption, an entirely personal matter" had been leaked to the press and that anyone discussing it on Twitter would be tracked down and murdered in their beds.

Ryan Giggs is 37.